Lately I have been doing some soul searching. What kind of Mom do I want to be? What kind of life do we want? What kind of church are we looking for? I guess I'm having one of those who I am moments. So many questions in my head. Maybe its my age, maybe its knowing that I have these three wonderful kids that I am responsible for. I don't know. You would think by now at my age I would have at least some of the answers but I don't. All I know is this is THE year for changes.
I have been thinking quite a bit lately about church. What I want from church. What am I looking for? I cant help but think about the church I went to youth group at. Carbondale Baptist Church. I didn't go to church much growing up because we moved so much and because my parents are different denominations. When we moved here in 1993 we started to go to Carbondale. I really liked it. Heck I even met both my husbands there ( yes, I know how that sounds). It was a little church with great people. We had a great pastor and the youth group was full of people that I really liked. I made some really good friends there.I graduated in 1997 and started to move away from church. I was dating a guy at the time that wasn't interested in going to church and I sort of adopted that way of thinking. Ive been that way for years now and I'm tired of it. Mike and I had our first kiss in that sanctuary. I have wonderful memories of that church. Ive been to several churches over the years trying to reclaim that feeling and I just haven't found it. Maybe I wont find it again but in the mean time I am once again searching. We've been going to a church not far from our house now for about 9 months or so, off and on. Michael and I both struggle with getting up early on Sundays because we like to sleep in ( I know, lame excuse). We are trying to change this. There isn't any one particular thing that I dislike about the church we currently belong to. It just doesn't have things I want right now. I would like to find a church with a ladies group with some women about my age that have a regular bible study and maybe have luncheons or participate in a charity or something. I would like to find a church where I don't know anyone. Its makes it so much easier to start fresh. No history, no rivals, no drama. I would like to find a church where Jordan could have boys his own age that he could look forward to seeing every week. Searching. So in my search I am going to visit a church not far from our house. Its a Southern Baptist Church which is what we prefer and by what I have read on their website they seem to have everything that I am looking for. While I am visiting and checking things out Michael will continue to go to Easton Heights to help his mother with her class. This may seem a little unorthodox to some people but this is something I have to do and Michael is being very supportive. He understands what I am going through.
At home we have been trying to change things also. Michael and I have been off the "path" for so long that its hard to make changes. We're struggling but also trying to work through these obstacles. Michael was raised in the church, I remember going a hand full of times before we moved here to Oklahoma. There are benefits to both sides. Hes been going through questions like " Why do I believe what I believe? Is it because I was raised in church or because I truly believe it?" I know that Michael and I will find what we are looking for. I also know we will find a church home that fits us the way we want. Where that will be remains to be seen. If Easton Heights is to be our home then I know we will showed this.
I love our life and when I look back at how my life was before this I think about how great I have it now. When I was married to my ex-husband I lived in dumps, never had a decent car, and was constantly broke. Now I have a husband who supports my decision to stay home, we live in a decent house, have a car that runs, and we have money to pay bills and play when we want to. We're not well off but we're not broke a** either. We have been careful with our money lately and its paying off. We're able to do more things with it. Mike has been working really hard at work and recently got a small promotion with a raise. Not much but enough to make a difference. He is an awesome husband and I truly look forward to wherever God decides to place us. I know that wherever he puts us we'll do wonderful things.
Right now I'm trying to search God and rely that He will show me the way. This is hard for me but I'm trying. That's all I can do right now.
Searching for your purpose and happiness isn't driven by age, I am still searching too. God will place you where you should be if you let go of self. I am so happy that you and mike are on the same page, that is very important in a relationship. Your children will learn a lot from you and God will truly bless you.
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