A Solitary Darkness

There is a dark chapter in my life that most of my life I have had to hide. There are very few people who know that story. There are very few people who accept that I even made such a decision. Its not something talked about in general society.

 When I logged onto facebook this morning I saw where several people had posted that today is National Sanctity of Human Life Day. Of course the posts were mostly questions about "how could these people do this?" and "IF they only knew the blessing they were killing they would think twice". Its wrong to judge what you do not know.

The year was 1997. I was 17 just a month shy of my 18th birthday and I was pregnant. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. The idea of having to tell my parents was mortifying. I told my friend and we told my mom together. My mom called my dad who told me to have it or have an abortion. There was no other option. Of course looking back I guess I could have done anything, he was miles away and I was almost 18. My mom and I talked about it and I made a decision. I felt like I had no other option. I didn't want to have a baby that I couldn't support. I had just started a job and was still living at home. The guy that I was with at the time didn't want a baby at that time. I gave a lot of thought to adoption. But in the end I decided that I didn't want to add to a population of children no one wanted.

I went to clinic on a sunny August morning. I was scared and felt alone. My mom went with me and if I remember correctly my aunt. I think my boyfriend showed up but I cant really remember. This wasn't a choice made lightly. I agonized over it before finally choosing what I felt was best for me at that moment in my life. I remember music playing and feeling sleepy. Then I was waking up and I felt like it was a dream. Like I was in a fog. I remember going home and sleeping not really feeling anything.

Abortion is something not talked about. I cant talk about it with friends because most of them believe I am a murderer. I cant talk about it in church for the same reason and there's always the possibility of being ostracized. People look at you different when they find out. I always feel like people are judging me. The church is supposed to be a place of refuge. A place where you can go and feel loved and accepted. But for me I have to hide a part of who I am. Theres no feeling of acceptance. I know what your thinking "but this was a choice you made". Yes it was. I own it. My problem is with the people who continually try to make me feel bad for it. There are no support groups for this like miscarriages. No one wants to talk about it. Its a silent sadness.

I make no apologies for my choice. Because that's what it was MY CHOICE. We have the right to chose where to live, who to marry, how many children to have, whether or not to believe in God. He gave us free will. The choice to follow Him or not. I do not agree with women who CHOSE to have more children than they can afford. I do not agree with women who CHOSE to judge other women for choices they do not agree with. I believe in CHOICE. I believe in birth control for women whose husbands are abusive or for women who are single or for women who just don't want anymore children. Many women out there use birth control to control periods that are so heavy and so painful they cant function.

I went through the same stages of grief that a woman that has a miscarriage does. First, denial. It may seem strange for that emotion to come up considering it was MY CHOICE but I was in denial about even being pregnant let alone the idea that I had just had an abortion. Second, anger. I was angry at myself for even being stupid enough to get pregnant at 17 in the first place. I was angry at my boyfriend for not being more supportive. Third, bargaining. I cant say I remember making any bargains but I do remember thinking "this will never happen again." Fourth, depression. I remember being very depressed about the whole situation. I was sad because I had gotten pregnant. I was sad because I knew I was no longer pregnant. Finally, acceptance. I accepted the CHOICE that I made. I accepted that no matter how selfish it sounded that I could move on. That I didn't have a child that I couldn't take care of. That I didn't have a child out there somewhere wondering why I gave him/her away.

I do not have any regrets. I believe I made the right choice. The guy that I was with at the time also fathered my oldest son 4 years later. Looking back I believe had I had the first baby I would not have the children that I have today. I would not be where I am today. My ex and I were together almost 10 years. From 1996-2005 (off and on). We were married in 2000 and separated in 2005. I had my oldest in 2001. From the moment my oldest was born my ex was distant. He didn't want to have much to do with us. So my gut tells me  that we wouldn't have lasted if I had had the baby at 17. Of course we didn't last anyway but my point is I wouldn't have had Jordan, Conor or Emma. My life would be different from the one I have now. I know you may be thinking that "yes my life would have been different but you wouldn't have killed a baby". Again I wouldn't change it for anything.

The truth is I KNOW  I made the right choice. I KNOW that I will see my baby again someday and I KNOW that God has forgiven me. I also know that there are many women out there who are facing the same decision that I did. They're scared, feeling confused, and persecuted. So instead of persecuting these women, or making them feel like murderers whether or not you think they are how about supporting them. How about trying to understand where they are coming from? How about loving them despite it?

February 1998 was my due month. I don't remember the exact date. So this year like every year for the past 14 I will think "wow, I would have a 14 year old". Sometimes I cry about it, I'm not a cold, heartless person. I think about whether its was a boy or a girl. I wonder how different things would have been. But I am sound in knowing that I love my life now. I finally got to be with my soul mate. I feel like I have the life I was supposed to have. Maybe its not the path that God layed out maybe it is. But again its all about choice. Why should we take away the right for people to make choices? For those of you out there who don't believe in birth control or abortion let me ask this: Do you want someone taking away your choice to have as many kids as you want? Do you want someone telling you what choices you should make? Just take a moment to put your feet in my shoes. At the very least.

I know what the bible says about abortion. I know its wrong. But I also know that there are A LOT of people out there who don't believe in God or the bible. They should have the right to make choices regarding their lives. Just like we have the choice to believe in God and to follow the bible. There are also A LOT of people out there like me, who are Christians, who have made choices in their lives that were wrong but right for them at the time. I am a Christian. I am a woman and I CHOSE an abortion.