As the title of my blog suggests I am mystified. I am constantly bewildered at my children. They amaze me, irritate me, make me laugh, give me joy and happiness every day. Sometimes all that in one day. When I became a mother to Jordan I was young. I didn't and still don't know what I am doing some days. I couldn't explain the joy and fear that I experienced the day I had him. I spent two years nursing him and I think that is part of the reason we have a special bond. It was just me and him for years. Henry was an absentee father at best. Jordan and I did everything together. Then when Henry and I split up it really was just us. I was given the chance to be with an old flame again shortly after Henry and I split up. Michael has been an amazing father to Jordan.
We were married in September and by February I was pregnant with another child. Both Michael and I wanted a girl yet that wasn't in the cards (just yet). Conor Kael brought a new life to our family in so many ways. It gave Jordan a playmate and a sibling for life. He gave Michael and I a connection that made us grow ever closer. Jordan and Conor are 6 years apart and at first I thought they wouldn't be close but Jordan loves Conor and they played and played. Jordans getting older now so hes wanting to hang out more with kids his own age but I still hear them playing.
I loved having my boys. Two boys to listen to, watch and enjoy just being with. Yet still I had the yearning to have a daughter. When I found out Conor was a boy I thought for sure that I was destined to have boys. Although I loved them I had this inner voice saying "what if you had a girl?" In December 2009 Michael and I had been talking about whether or not to have anymore kids. I told him that I was close to 30 and if we wanted another one it would have to be soon. So we started trying and within weeks I was pregnant.
I was scared and excited at the same time. Michael was overjoyed and of course started talking about the possibility that it would be a girl. I was skeptical. Just for fun I took one of those home gender tests you can get at Walgreens. The instructions said if it was dark green it was a boy and if it was orange it was a girl. I took the test and I have to admit that my heart sank a little bit when the liquid was dark green. I also did the Chinese birth chart that also told me I was having a boy. I realize that both of these tests are for fun but I still wanted it to be a girl. At the usual time I went for the ultrasound. I climbed up onto the table ready for the tech to tell me that it was indeed another boy. We were talking about baby registries and such when she asked me if I had registered. I said yes but not much because I was sure it was another boy so I didn't need much. That's when I got the shock of my life. She said "well you might want to increase your registry." I immediately went to "OMG its twins." She said the "magic" words, its a girl! I had her turn the screen around and sure enough there between the legs, nothing. I had her circle it and print it off. After the shock wore off I went to surprise Mike at work. He was shocked and overjoyed.
Ive been the mother to a little girl for almost two years now and there are some things that have surprised me about having her.
First: changing girl diapers is so much different than boy diapers.
I had always heard that changing a boys diaper was easier but I had no idea until Miss Emma came along. With boys there's very little area to wipe. With a girl there's so much to worry about. I don't want wipe the wrong way and possibly infect anything. On the upside I haven't been peed in the face yet.
Second: To me shes the next Pulitzer Prize winner.
As most of you know I have always considered myself to be an advocate for women's rights. What most of you would call a feminist. Now that I have a little girl of my own I can feel my inner feminist growing stronger and stronger. I do not want my daughter to believe that she should be anything more than what she wants to be. For that matter I want my boys to have the same feelings. I want to give my kids the ability to dream the big dreams. I think this is even more important for a girl since America is male oriented.
Third: A little sister is special love.
Ive seen my boys in a whole new light. They love Emma. They have loved her from the day she came home. Kissing her, wanting to hold her, entertaining her and protecting her. She has become their companion to play. Jordan loves her so much and she loves him too. Conor likes to play in her room with her and hold her hand in the car. Emma is loud and boisterous. Shes always right behind the boys, always wanting to be with them.
Fourth: Our family is complete.
I knew the moment I got pregnant with a third child that I wanted to be done having kids. Having a girl only made the decision sweeter. From the moment I found out it was a girl I felt like our family was complete. Michael and I had already decided that we would be done no matter what for a myriad of reason that I wont go into here. I just knew that three was enough.
Finally: Life works out the way it should.
I know that I was destined to have Emma. The timing was right because it was Gods timing. He gave me two wonderful boys so that I could go onto have a beautiful girl. I wonder what kind of girl Emma will be. Will she be into pink and playing with dolls or will she be a tomboy or a little of both? I look forward to the years ahead. I look forward to watching her grow into a young woman and finding her path. I look forward to this for my boys as well. This life will be special and I am thankful that I have been blessed with these beautiful children.
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