Lately I have been feeling inadequate as a mother. Maybe its my stage in life I don't know. I'm almost to my mid-thirties and that closer to forty. I don't mind this its just a fact. I relish getting older, for many reasons. I love the idea of growing old with Michael and watching ours kids grow as well. But lately Ive been thinking about whether or not I am a good mom. Have I done the right things with the kids? Am I still doing the right things? How can I improve things?
I feel guilty about a lot of things. Is public school the best option for our kids? I go back and forth on this one. Should I be more strict with what they're aloud to watch or listen to? I should have been going to church since the day I found out I was pregnant. Have I cheated my children by not going more consistently? Whats important to us as a family unit? Are we making the right things priorities? Do I pay enough attention to my kids? I think I do but there's always a voice in the back of my head when they're off playing in their rooms saying "you should be playing with them." Have I given them my all? Have I given them the best that I can? You would think that after being a parent for almost 10 years that I would have this down but I don't.
When Jordan was about 3 years old I was living in a part of Tulsa that I didn't care for and it was then that I started investigating homeschooling. I found a whole society of "perfect moms." "Perfect moms" to make me question myself as a mom. That was 7 years ago, since then the movement has grown significantly, going from 1,096,000 in 2003 to 2.5 million in 2008. It was in 2009 that I started to think about it again. The only difference this time was that we asked my sister in law to home school him. A veteran, she agreed. He did well. While reading this blog she talks about the expectations of homeschooling moms, here's an excerpt:
Somehow I was now expected to be planting, growing, and canning all my own produce, scrubbing and polishing my home until it blinded all who saw it, preparing organic and delicious, but economical meals from scratch for not only my troops but for overnight guests, visitors to my church, and all mothers within a 20 mile radius who had recently given birth. I learned that my blue jeans were immodest and not feminine; my hair needed to make me attractive but not be colored and was best worn long, an impossibility all at once. I found out that godly moms don’t yell, don’t use cream of mushroom soup, don’t listen to Carole King, don’t need time away from their kids, EVER, and don’t attempt to teach any male anything ever unless it is a 3 year old how to use the bathroom. (Karen Campbell, Mom Guilt, thatmom.com)
I have come across this before in a couple of the home school groups that I have joined in the past. Although I only home schooled Jordan for a short time I joined 3 home school groups in that time. According to the paragraph above I am a failure. I like the idea of having a garden but don't see the point living in a rent house, I can barely cook for my own family (I don't like to cook) so cooking for others is probably not a good idea. Plus we eat a fairly strict diet and I don't think anyone else would like what I fix. I love blue jeans and t-shirts. I will wear skirts to church if I have one that fits and looks nice on me. My hair is short probably always will be. I like to color my hair because its the one thing I can change quickly without surgery or exercise. I have tattoo's, 19 to be exact. I don't feel this makes me any less of a Christian although there are those who might disagree. They are a part of me, a record of my life in pictures. Each one means something different, a different stage of my life. I may get more, I have some recent additions Id like to record. I consider myself a Christian, a woman working on being more Godly but I sometimes have slips where I yell at the kids. I listen to all kinds of different music, in fact right now I'm listening to Garth Brooks. Most of the time I listen to National Public Radio. I need breaks from everyone now and then not just my kids. I love them but I think we all need breaks from time to time even kids from parents.
I know she wasn't saying I need to be these things in fact it was nice to read that she didn't view this as reality. But as I have found there are women out there who believe this is THE way women should be and no other way is acceptable. I have to admit there are times I feel like I have really messed up with my kids and wish I had a time machine to go back and change a few things. But the truth is I cant and when I really stop and think about it I wonder if given the chance what exactly would I change? I try my best, whether its good enough or not only time will tell. Michael loves me and has told me before he knows that I am trying my best. But its hard to think you're doing a good job when you're constantly bombarded by moms out there who truly believe that they're doing it right and what you're doing is not. I have tried to stay in the middle. I don't want to participate in either extreme. I want my kids to have freedom but also remain tethered just a bit. That's what my parents gave me and for the most part I turned out okay.
I'm writing this because I have felt for awhile now that I have been somehow failing my kids with the way we've been doing things. Michael and I recently had a discussion about this very thing. Here's what he said " I want our kids to do well in school (whether we home school or not), to go to college, get jobs they love and are good at, to be responsible adults. For us as a couple to save money and retire young so we can have time to just be "us". All the things that I want as well. Its so nice to married to someone who believes the same as you do and is supportive of decisions made. I am very blessed to have him.
I think we as women have a tendency to make others feel bad about how they're doing things. Whether conscientiously or not I think we all do it. Some of us are more blatant about it, other not so much. The Internet has given everyone the ability to put their opinion out there. Ill be the first to admit that. I like the idea of a blog. I have tried for years off and on to keep a journal and haven't been able to keep one consistently but being able to log on and type seems to make it easier.
Moms we need to unite together, not tear each other apart for differences. I will keep trying to be the best Mom that I can be. That's all I can do.
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