Bah Humbug!

 As we enter into the holiday season I am both annoyed and anxious about the upcoming months. For those of you who know me the best you know that I am not a fan of the holidays.  From October 1st until January 1st I am a wreck. Its not just about the holidays though. Its also about the weather. I cannot stand being cold! I have a really hard time getting my body temperature back up after being cold. Not to mention my toes go numb at the little decrease in temperature. Winter makes me sad. I cannot help it but I am aware of it and I am trying to do things to counteract this.

Halloween has become somewhat of a burden. The kids wanted to dress up this year but I couldn't see spending $60 on costumes. So I decided to make Emma's costume. I had enough red felt that I was able to make her a little strawberry shaped dress. Jordan and Conors I had to buy but I saved a little money by waiting until closer to Halloween to get them. Then there's the act of getting candy. We haven't done the traditional trick or treat thing in years. Mainly because so many neighborhoods just don't do that anymore. Instead we opted to go to two trunk or treats. A trunk or treat is usually held at a church where people park their cars with the trunks open, dress up and hand out candy. The one at First Baptist Downtown was huge and had several jumping things and a pony ride along with the trunk or treat. The other one was a church by our house and was just candy but still fun for the kids. Mike carved the pumpkins this year like he always does and I actually decorated a lot this year. The nice thing about decorations is you can usually get them pretty cheap. I went to the everythings a dollar store and was able to get ample decorations for Halloween and fall.

The next "big" holiday is Thanksgiving. I used to be a huge fan of Thanksgiving but that was back when I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain a pound. It was also a time when my grandmother was still alive and we would all gather at her house and eat and socialize. Unfortunately she passed away 3 years ago and I have pretty cut off all of my moms side of the family so Thanksgiving has become nothing to me. I also have issues with why Thanksgiving is celebrated and how it came about, but that's for another blog. That being said last year was the first time in years I actually enjoyed Thanksgiving. Mike and I decided that we were going to stay home and cook our own turkey. I have a thing about turkey being cooked a certain way. I like it hot and juicy right out the oven. I cannot stand cold turkey unless its the next day and I'm eating left overs. So we bought a turkey and Mike cooked it the way he remembered it being cooked when he was growing up. Let me tell you it was amazing. So juicy and tasty. He did a tremendous job and I cant wait to do it again this year. The fact that I want to stay home and be with just my family is nothing personal against anyone in my or Mikes families. Its just that I want to start some traditions with my own family. I really liked it just being the 5 of us.

Of course the biggest holiday is fast approaching. Christmas. I have had issues with Christmas for years. Its so commercialized and for the most part a lot of people have forgotten why we celebrate Christmas at all. I have been quite a humbug for years but this year for my children's sake I am trying to put that aside and truly enjoy this Christmas. I have tons of decorations to put up and will be baking for the first time this year. I am slowly trying to turn our diet around to the GAPS diet but most likely wont go full force until after the first of next year. This will also be the first year that we have a real tree. I never had a real tree growing up so I don't really know what to do with it but luckily Mike did and he is really looking forward to having one. We also have a Christmas Eve tradition of going light looking and then coming home to read the story of Jesus and The Zombie Night Before Christmas. I even found a book with zombie themed Christmas carols I think will be fun to sing. We've decided to go light on the gifts for the kids this year. They have so much as it is that we thought the bonus money Mike gets could be better put into savings. Not to say our kids wont have a good Christmas just smaller.

All in all I am trying, for Mike and the kids, to get more into the spirit of the holidays. One thing for sure though I still WILL NOT be listening to Christmas music (unless forced) until AFTER Thanksgiving. I am looking forward to the new year with all its promise and mysteries and surprises in store. So here's to the holidays!

Why Im glad my husband had an affair.

I know what you're thinking: what??? How can you be glad your husband had an affair? Let me clarify and take you back 12 years. 

The year was 2000. I was preparing to get married to a guy I have been dating off and on for 4 years. I thought I was getting married for life. I thought I would be happy if I got married. Just a few months before I had been dating someone else. Someone I felt was my soul-mate. Someone I loved more than anyone else but he wasn't ready to be married so I broke it off and got engaged to someone else. I got engaged out of spite. Not a good reason to get married, I realize this, but I was young and thought that's what I wanted/needed.

We were married in October 2000. I was about a month pregnant with what would be my first son. Before we were married we moved in together. What a mistake. Now I know this isn't the case for everyone but I should have seen the red flags while we were living together. We fought all the time. There was always something he didn't like. He worked late at a grocery store. He worked there for years and then his work got choppy. He bounced from place to place. We too bounced from place to place. We moved every year we were married. Five different places. I had our son in June of 2001.

Almost immediately our relationship changed. I mean I knew it was going to change but not like it did. I started to realize that he didn't want to be married. I wish he would have just told me this before we got married. It could have saved me years of heartache. He would be out until all hours of the night. On top of that he wasn't holding down a steady job. Then he got this bright idea for us to move out to a house in far north Tulsa. For those of you who don't know north Tulsa isn't known for the safest neighborhoods. What a mistake that was. We lived there a year before we were robbed. I came home one night to a house with all the lights on. Thinking my ex was home I went in only to discover the backdoor wide open all the dogs in the house and all of our stuff overturned. I was so upset. I called the police and within two weeks we moved. I wanted to move quickly but the only place I could find fast and in our price range was a little house off of Gilcrease Museum Road. Not a much better neighborhood but I just wanted away from where we were. So we moved into what I would call a dump. The house was tiny, dirty and had no heating or air conditioning. Looking back I'm just glad we didn't sick from living there. Here's where things really started to unravel.

My ex and I had always had problems but they only got worse as time went by. By April of 2005 I had had all I could take. The last straw was him coming home at 5 a.m. I made up my mind then and there that I was leaving. When he came home I told him I was leaving and not coming back. He said "ok." I called my mom to see if I could move back home and then called his parents to tell them I was leaving and to ask if they would help me get all my stuff out. They agreed and a few days later I was all packed up. I moved in with my parents and started saving money to get my own place. Within a few months I had my own place. In the mean time my ex kept calling me wanting me to work things out. My gut kept telling me to say no. 

Mothers Day 2005, I needed to go back to the house my ex and I had shared to get a few things I had forgotten. My sewing machine and a mouth cover for my dog. I knocked when I got there and he didn't answer so I used my key. When I walked in he came rushing out from the back and asked what I was doing. I told him what I needed and he said he'd get it. I told him that no I would get it because he didn't know where to look. He insisted and that's when I got suspicious. So I asked him what was going on. I finally had to elbow him in the gut when he wouldn't let me go back to the bedroom. I made my way back there and that's when I saw her. A woman, sitting on my bed. I asked her "who the **** are you?" She asked back who I was. I said," I'm his wife." She looked stunned. I could tell she didn't know. The house we lived in without my stuff just looked like a bachelor pad. I got what I went for and ran out. Telling him I was now officially filing for divorce. A few days later I hired a lawyer.

I later found out from his parents that he had been with her since early in 2005. The affair had been going on for months maybe longer. I have never felt so betrayed. Shortly after I moved out, she moved in. Around this time, Summer of 2005, I got an email from the man I felt was my soul-mate. He said he heard that I was getting divorced and did I want to talk. I of course said "yes!" We started sort of seeing each other here and there. By Christmas of 2005 things were really heating up. He asked me to marry him. In January of 2006 his grandmother died and we hit a snag. I had my own place and he was sort of living with me. Then in April of 2006 he decided we should take a three month break. I was like whatever, I'm done. When the three months were up he called me and we got together to talk and he said that he'd missed me and all he wanted to do was get married. I said ok and that was it. We had to wait until 6 months after my divorce was final so in September of 2006 we were married.

We have been married for 6 years. We've had two additional kids, a boy and a girl. Things haven't been easy but our love is strong. So you see, if my husband had never had an affair, I wouldn't be married to the love of my life. Its possible I would have missed out on all the wonderful and glorious things that have come from our marriage. I love everyday that we are together. Even when we have a little tiff. He is my rock, my love, my everything. I miss him all day and cant wait until he gets home. I cant wait to see what the next 6, 16, 26 or 60 years will bring. Michael Ryan you are my soul-mate and best friend.

Summer 2012

 

Summer is almost here once again. This year will be a little bit different for us. For the first time ever we are only taking one month for summer break. The month of June for us will be our summer vacation. Then we restart the school year in July. We still have a little bit of this year to finish before we move on to the new stuff. I am looking forward to next year though. Lots of new stuff to learn and Conor will be starting kindergarten.

This is also a busy month for us as a family. Mike will be gone for the first time since we've been married for almost a week. I know this isnt a big deal to some people, considering I grew up in a military family I know that a week isnt that big a deal. But Ill miss having Mike in the bed next to me and to help me out in the evenings. I also know that I am strong enough to handle this and it will be alright. This next weekend we have Mikes company picnic at the zoo which will be loads of fun.

I have to take a moment and brag on my husband for a moment. Hes been so amazing the past few months. Hes proving himself in the company and yes it means sometimes hes away or he may have to work overtime but God gave him this position and hes making the most of it. I know there are some who say that he should be home more but when it comes down to it when he is home he spends all his time with me and the kids. He is a wonderful provider and very wise about how we spend our money and how he spends his time. God has given him a great job, with great hours and I am thankful.

Okay enough of me bragging. Its just I know that I have a great man and Im thankful that God put us together. He also gave us great kids. Im looking forward to the rest of this year and I cant wait to see what God has in store for us. We are looking for a church home as well. I know we will find one its just a matter of time.

Feeling a Bit Mystified

As the title of my blog suggests I am mystified. I am constantly bewildered at my children. They amaze me, irritate me, make me laugh, give me joy and happiness every day. Sometimes all that in one day. When I became a mother to Jordan I was young. I didn't and still don't know what I am doing some days. I couldn't explain the joy and fear that I experienced the day I had him. I spent two years nursing him and I think that is part of the reason we have a special bond. It was just me and him for years. Henry was an absentee father at best. Jordan and I did everything together. Then when Henry and I split up it really was just us. I was given the chance to be with an old flame again shortly after Henry and I split up. Michael has been an amazing father to Jordan.

We were married in September and by February I was pregnant with another child. Both Michael and I wanted a girl yet that wasn't in the cards (just yet). Conor Kael brought a new life to our family in so many ways. It gave Jordan a playmate and a sibling for life. He gave Michael and I a connection that made us grow ever closer. Jordan and Conor are 6 years apart and at first I thought they wouldn't be close but Jordan loves Conor and they played and played. Jordans getting older now so hes wanting to hang out more with kids his own age but I still hear them playing.

I loved having my boys. Two boys to listen to, watch and enjoy just being with. Yet still I had the yearning to have a daughter. When I found out Conor was a boy I thought for sure that I was destined to have boys. Although I loved them I had this inner voice saying "what if you had a girl?" In December 2009 Michael and I had been talking about whether or not to have anymore kids. I told him that I was close to 30 and if we wanted another one it would have to be soon. So we started trying and within weeks I was pregnant.

I was scared and excited at the same time. Michael was overjoyed and of course started talking about the possibility that it would be a girl. I was skeptical. Just for fun I took one of those home gender tests you can get at Walgreens. The instructions said if it was dark green it was a boy and if it was orange it was a girl. I took the test and I have to admit that my heart sank a little bit when the liquid was dark green. I also did the Chinese birth chart that also told me I was having a boy. I realize that both of these tests are for fun but I still wanted it to be a girl. At the usual time I went for the ultrasound. I climbed up onto the table ready for the tech to tell me that it was indeed another boy. We were talking about baby registries and such when she asked me if I had registered. I said yes but not much because I was sure it was another boy so I didn't need much. That's when I got the shock of my life. She said "well you might want to increase your registry." I immediately went to "OMG its twins." She said the "magic" words, its a girl! I had her turn the screen around and sure enough there between the legs, nothing. I had her circle it and print it off. After the shock wore off I went to surprise Mike at work. He was shocked and overjoyed.

Ive been the mother to a little girl for almost two years now and there are some things that have surprised me about having her.

First: changing girl diapers is so much different than boy diapers.
I had always heard that changing a boys diaper was easier but I had no idea until Miss Emma came along. With boys there's very little area to wipe. With a girl there's so much to worry about. I don't want wipe the wrong way and possibly infect anything. On the upside I haven't been peed in the face yet.

Second: To me shes the next Pulitzer Prize winner.
As most of you know I have always considered myself to be an advocate for women's rights. What most of you would call a feminist. Now that I have a little girl of my own I can feel my inner feminist growing stronger and stronger. I do not want my daughter to believe that she should be anything more than what she wants to be. For that matter I want my boys to have the same feelings. I want to give my kids the ability to dream the big dreams. I think this is even more important for a girl since America is male oriented.

Third: A little sister is special love.
Ive seen my boys in a whole new light. They love Emma. They have loved her from the day she came home. Kissing her, wanting to hold her, entertaining her and protecting her. She has become their companion to play. Jordan loves her so much and she loves him too. Conor likes to play in her room with her and hold her hand in the car. Emma is loud and boisterous. Shes always right behind the boys, always wanting to be with them.

Fourth: Our family is complete.
I knew the moment I got pregnant with a third child that I wanted to be done having kids. Having a girl only made the decision sweeter. From the moment I found out it was a girl I felt like our family was complete. Michael and I had already decided that we would be done no matter what for a myriad of reason that I wont go into here. I just knew that three was enough.

Finally: Life works out the way it should.
I know that I was destined to have Emma. The timing was right because it was Gods timing. He gave me two wonderful boys so that I could go onto have a beautiful girl. I wonder what kind of girl Emma will be. Will she be into pink and playing with dolls or will she be a tomboy or a little of both? I look forward to the years ahead. I look forward to watching her grow into a young woman and finding her path. I look forward to this for my boys as well. This life will be special and I am thankful that I have been blessed with these beautiful children.

Feeling Crafty

Lately Ive been thinking a lot about my grandmother and the crafts she used to make. She made everything, dolls, quilts, clothes, tote bags. You name it she could probably make it or could take it apart and make a pattern.When she passed away my mother and I got a lot of her stuff she had in her sewing room. Lots of unfinished projects, mainly quilts but some other things too. Lots of pieces that just need to be sewn together.

Over the weekend my mom and I got out some of her fabric and went through it to try to find some fabric to make Emma some dresses. I found several quilt projects she had started so I brought them home along with my moms sewing machine so I could start working on putting some of the together. I also bought two plastic canvas books to start making some things out of them. One is a book to make learning activities for the kids and the other is plastic canvas toys. I also have about 6-8 books on how to make plastic canvas Barbie furniture, something my mom made for us when we were kids and I loved it. As soon as Emma is old enough I will make some for her. I cant wait.

The 15 quilt squares together.

Pillow Forms

I started working on two projects today. One was 15 quilt squares that my grandmother had already cut out and put together. The other is 6 pillow panels that all I have to do is cut out and put a back on and a pillow form in and presto instant pillows. Im going to use them as pillows for story time during school. I still have to put a border and backing on the quilt squares and once I get that done Im going to use is as a wall hanging in Emmas room. My grandmother had so many things cut out already Ill be able to make lots of little things and use her templates and patterns for anything I want to make later. My mom has tons of fabric that I can go through and decide what I want to use for the various ideas I have swimming around in my head.

I also have several craft projects for homeschool activities Im dying to get started on. One is a hidden worm game made of felt and the other is a match game using wood tiles. I have so many ideas for the next school year. I cant wait to get started. In the mean time I have lots of things my grandma had already cut out for me to be working on. At night while Im sitting in my recliner I can work on the plastic canvas things I want to make.

I also found the fabric for Conors quilt that Ive been wanting to make for about 2 years now. My grandmother helped me make a quilt for Jordan when he was 2 I think so he already has one. I want to get Conors done and then I will get fabric for Emmas. I learned enough from my grandmother to be able to make basic quilts and my mother is a master seamstress so Ill have help when it comes to making anything clothing wise like dresses for Emma.

Im hoping to be able to work a little each day, the kids are old enough that I can get a lot done during the day. Today I was able to get a lot done and of course Jordan is good at keeping them busy. I worked today while Emma was asleep. Being able to do this makes me feel close to my grandmother. I miss her and wish that I could have learned more before she passed. In the mean time I will just use the knowledge she gave me and her patterns of course.

New Year, New Home

As most of you know we recently moved. The house across the street from us became available just before Christmas and I talked to my landlady and she agreed we could move in after the first of the year. Its a little bit bigger, a little more in rent but it has a garage and the kids have more space to play. Its been quite a process getting everything across the street and unpacked. I forget how much stuff I have until I start moving. I got rid of a lot of stuff in the process and I am still going through stuff in the garage.

I have moved almost too many times to count in my lifetime. Being a child of a Naval career man we moved a lot. It made it difficult to make friends because I knew that I probably would never see them again. There has been one exception though. I met a girl in Orlando, Florida around 1991. Jill was her name. We were very close friends for about three years before I had to move here to Oklahoma. Her and I were friends with several other girls and over the years we have all stayed in touch.

I moved here in 1993. I started making friends slowly. I didn't have many friends at the school I was attending, most of the friends I had attended the church I went to. Carbondale Baptist Church. I loved it there and I met many friends there, as well as both my husbands. Some of the people I met there I have remained close to. Others I have drifted apart from because we have nothing in common anymore. I never thought friends were all that important, until I started to think back to middle school. When I was in middle school I had 5 good friends. Jill, Reta, Tonya, Pam and Megan. When I left Florida I thought I would never find friends like that again. Then I moved here. I met Katy, Penny, Mike, Tammy and some others that I have remained close to. Jill and I had kept in touch so I had her too. Just last year I reconnected with Reta and Tonya. I have not been able to find Pam or Megan and I have had some trouble reconnecting with some friends from my high school years. Its sad to think about all the memories I have from those people and that I may never see them again. I wonder what they are up to. Where are they? Are they married, do they have kids? What kind of jobs do they have?

Michael and I have set a goal to move into our own home within the next 5 years. I believe this is possible now that hes been promoted at work and is making more money. I would like to give my kids a home that's ours. One where we could have a dog and paint their rooms crazy colors. I never had a childhood home until I moved here and even then I was a teenager, but I considered a childhood home. I don't have any anger toward my parents for choosing the life we had. Moving a lot gave me a chance to see things I may not have seen otherwise. It made me who I am today.

For now I am happy where we are. The house isn't perfect and needs some improving but I try not to worry too much about it because its not ours. Its just a passing place. A place one day I will look back on and think, we used to live there. We have a spacious living room, a big enough dining room to have a table and a porch for the kids to play on in the summer. The boys have their own room, with their own beds and Emma has her own room too. Its nice for everyone to have space to do what they want. Mike has the garage. Its so nice for him to have a place to go when he needs to burn energy. I have my grandmothers recliner, that I can sit in and rock Emma and think about how it would have been nice for her to have met Emma. The recliner is my space. A place to read, play a game or nurse my daughter. Life is good. Thank you Lord for giving us this house.

A Solitary Darkness

There is a dark chapter in my life that most of my life I have had to hide. There are very few people who know that story. There are very few people who accept that I even made such a decision. Its not something talked about in general society.

 When I logged onto facebook this morning I saw where several people had posted that today is National Sanctity of Human Life Day. Of course the posts were mostly questions about "how could these people do this?" and "IF they only knew the blessing they were killing they would think twice". Its wrong to judge what you do not know.

The year was 1997. I was 17 just a month shy of my 18th birthday and I was pregnant. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. The idea of having to tell my parents was mortifying. I told my friend and we told my mom together. My mom called my dad who told me to have it or have an abortion. There was no other option. Of course looking back I guess I could have done anything, he was miles away and I was almost 18. My mom and I talked about it and I made a decision. I felt like I had no other option. I didn't want to have a baby that I couldn't support. I had just started a job and was still living at home. The guy that I was with at the time didn't want a baby at that time. I gave a lot of thought to adoption. But in the end I decided that I didn't want to add to a population of children no one wanted.

I went to clinic on a sunny August morning. I was scared and felt alone. My mom went with me and if I remember correctly my aunt. I think my boyfriend showed up but I cant really remember. This wasn't a choice made lightly. I agonized over it before finally choosing what I felt was best for me at that moment in my life. I remember music playing and feeling sleepy. Then I was waking up and I felt like it was a dream. Like I was in a fog. I remember going home and sleeping not really feeling anything.

Abortion is something not talked about. I cant talk about it with friends because most of them believe I am a murderer. I cant talk about it in church for the same reason and there's always the possibility of being ostracized. People look at you different when they find out. I always feel like people are judging me. The church is supposed to be a place of refuge. A place where you can go and feel loved and accepted. But for me I have to hide a part of who I am. Theres no feeling of acceptance. I know what your thinking "but this was a choice you made". Yes it was. I own it. My problem is with the people who continually try to make me feel bad for it. There are no support groups for this like miscarriages. No one wants to talk about it. Its a silent sadness.

I make no apologies for my choice. Because that's what it was MY CHOICE. We have the right to chose where to live, who to marry, how many children to have, whether or not to believe in God. He gave us free will. The choice to follow Him or not. I do not agree with women who CHOSE to have more children than they can afford. I do not agree with women who CHOSE to judge other women for choices they do not agree with. I believe in CHOICE. I believe in birth control for women whose husbands are abusive or for women who are single or for women who just don't want anymore children. Many women out there use birth control to control periods that are so heavy and so painful they cant function.

I went through the same stages of grief that a woman that has a miscarriage does. First, denial. It may seem strange for that emotion to come up considering it was MY CHOICE but I was in denial about even being pregnant let alone the idea that I had just had an abortion. Second, anger. I was angry at myself for even being stupid enough to get pregnant at 17 in the first place. I was angry at my boyfriend for not being more supportive. Third, bargaining. I cant say I remember making any bargains but I do remember thinking "this will never happen again." Fourth, depression. I remember being very depressed about the whole situation. I was sad because I had gotten pregnant. I was sad because I knew I was no longer pregnant. Finally, acceptance. I accepted the CHOICE that I made. I accepted that no matter how selfish it sounded that I could move on. That I didn't have a child that I couldn't take care of. That I didn't have a child out there somewhere wondering why I gave him/her away.

I do not have any regrets. I believe I made the right choice. The guy that I was with at the time also fathered my oldest son 4 years later. Looking back I believe had I had the first baby I would not have the children that I have today. I would not be where I am today. My ex and I were together almost 10 years. From 1996-2005 (off and on). We were married in 2000 and separated in 2005. I had my oldest in 2001. From the moment my oldest was born my ex was distant. He didn't want to have much to do with us. So my gut tells me  that we wouldn't have lasted if I had had the baby at 17. Of course we didn't last anyway but my point is I wouldn't have had Jordan, Conor or Emma. My life would be different from the one I have now. I know you may be thinking that "yes my life would have been different but you wouldn't have killed a baby". Again I wouldn't change it for anything.

The truth is I KNOW  I made the right choice. I KNOW that I will see my baby again someday and I KNOW that God has forgiven me. I also know that there are many women out there who are facing the same decision that I did. They're scared, feeling confused, and persecuted. So instead of persecuting these women, or making them feel like murderers whether or not you think they are how about supporting them. How about trying to understand where they are coming from? How about loving them despite it?

February 1998 was my due month. I don't remember the exact date. So this year like every year for the past 14 I will think "wow, I would have a 14 year old". Sometimes I cry about it, I'm not a cold, heartless person. I think about whether its was a boy or a girl. I wonder how different things would have been. But I am sound in knowing that I love my life now. I finally got to be with my soul mate. I feel like I have the life I was supposed to have. Maybe its not the path that God layed out maybe it is. But again its all about choice. Why should we take away the right for people to make choices? For those of you out there who don't believe in birth control or abortion let me ask this: Do you want someone taking away your choice to have as many kids as you want? Do you want someone telling you what choices you should make? Just take a moment to put your feet in my shoes. At the very least.

I know what the bible says about abortion. I know its wrong. But I also know that there are A LOT of people out there who don't believe in God or the bible. They should have the right to make choices regarding their lives. Just like we have the choice to believe in God and to follow the bible. There are also A LOT of people out there like me, who are Christians, who have made choices in their lives that were wrong but right for them at the time. I am a Christian. I am a woman and I CHOSE an abortion.

The Very Best and Nothing Less

There are few things in life I am truly passionate about. Im passionate about my kids, my husband, my marriage, but Im also passionate about planned parenthood and breastfeeding. There are things I want to be more passionate about like God and church and homeschooling because afterall I am homeschooling. This is the year I am going to improve my relationship with God, Im going to get more involved in church and improve my homeschooling. But right now in this stage of my life I am passionate about breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is something I have been passionate about since I got pregnant with Jordan. When I got pregnant with Jordan instantly knew I wanted to breastfeed. At the time I didnt know anything about it. I just knew that it was the best choice. On the plus side it was free. No formula, no bottles, no having to wait for it to warm, no having to get up in the middle of the night and make a bottle. I was blessed when Jordan was born he instantly took to breastfeeding. He latched on right away. He nursed for two years.

When I got pregnant with Conor we werent prepared. One day Mike and I were talking about money and he mentioned that he wasnt sure how we were going to afford formula. I just laughed and said " Im the formula." He just looked at me like "what?" I told him I had no intention of using bottles. When Conor was born again I was blessed and he latched on right away and nursed for about a year. Then he weened himself.

In between Conor and Emma I started to doing research on breastfeeding. Here in America we are so ingrained to believe that formula is just as good as breastfeeding and its not! Here are just a few facts about breastfeeding. After reading this I cant believe any mom would believe that formula is okay to give their child.

• Children receive the most complete and optimal mix of nutrients & antibodies
• The varying composition of breastmilk keeps pace with the infant's individual growth and changing nutritional needs
• Have fewer incidences of vomiting and diarrhea in the US (20-35 million episodes of diarrhea occur in children under the age of 5, resulting in over 200,000 hospitalizations and 400-500 deaths in the U.S.)
• Protection against gastroenteritis, necrotizing entercolitis
• Reduced risk of chronic constipation, colic, and other stomach upsets
• Reduced risk of childhood diabetes
• Protection against ear infections, respiratory illnesses, pneumonia, bronchitis, kidney infections, septicemia (blood poisoning),
• Protection against allergies,   asthma, eczema, and severity of allergic disease
• Reduced risk of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) Statistics reveal that for every 87 deaths from SIDS, only 3 are breastfed.
• Protection against meningitis, botulism, childhood lymphoma, crohn's disease and ulcerative entercolits
• Decreased risk of tooth decay (cavities)
• Nursing promotes facial structure development, enhanced speech,  straighter teeth and enhances vision.
• Breastfed infants develop higher IQ's, and have improved brain and nervous system development; IQ advantage of 10-12 points studied at ages 8, 12, and 18.  (Breastfeeding is considered the 4th trimester in brain growth and development...there are specific proteins in human milk that promote brain development))
• Reduced risk of heart disease later in life
• Increased bone density
• Breastfeeding plays an important role in the emotional and spiritual  development of babies
• Breastfed babies enjoy a special warm bonding and emotional relationship with their mothers    
• Antibody response to vaccines are higher
• Are hospitalized 10 times less than formula fed infants in the first year of life
• The colostrum (first milk) coats the GI tract, preventing harmful bacteria and allergy -triggering protein molecules from crossing into baby's blood
• Decreased risk for vitamin E and Iron deficiency anemia
• Decreased risk for acute appendicitis, rheumatoid arthritis, inguinal hernia, pyloric stenosis
• There are factors in human milk that destroy E coli, salmonella, shigella, streptococcus, pneumococcus....and many others
• Less risk of childhood obesity

Health Benefits to Moms Who Breastfeed

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• Reduced risk of breast, ovarian, cervical, and endometrial cancers
• Reduced risk of anemia
• Protection against osteoporosis and hip fracture later in life
• Reduced risk of mortality for women with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) has been associated with total time of lactation
• Helps the mother's body return to its pre-pregnancy state faster - promotes weight loss...1/2 of calories needed to manufacture milk is pulled from fat stores... can burn from 500 - 1,500 calories per day.
• Helps delay return of fertility and to space subsequent pregnancies
• Develops a special emotional relationship and bonding with her child
• Breastmilk is free- reducing or eliminating the cost of formula (in the thousands of dollars/per year)
• Breastfed babies are sick less thus reducing healthcare costs to family in Doctor office visits, prescriptions, over the counter medicine purchases, and hospitalizations
• Moms miss less time off from work due to child related illnesses
• Helps the uterus contract after birth to control postpartum bleeding

Benefits to the Environment and Society

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• Breastfeeding reduces the cost of healthcare by promoting healthier children and mothers..........If all WIC babies in the U.S. were breastfed, our economical savings would be $33,000,000 per month ..........In 1993, 90,000 babies were hospitalized for RSV at a cost of 450 million dollars. Currently, the U.S. spends over 1 billion dollars a year on Otitis Media (ear infections)
• Reduced insurance premiums for both parents and employers
• Breastfeeding reduces global pollution by decreasing the use of resources and energy required to produce, process, package, distribute, promote and dispose of materials created by the manufacture and use of artificial baby milk
• Reduced tax burden on communities and government to ensure children are properly fed
• Reduced absenteeism in the workplace due to children's illnesses

Other Benefits from Breastfeeding

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• Breastfeeding makes you feel good, the hormones produced during nursing have an endorphin effect  giving you a relaxed feeling.
• You have a great excuse to sit down and relax.....
• You can nurse while sleeping...nursing moms get more rest than formula feeding moms.
• Breastfeeding saves moms about 7 hours a week off their feet.
• No screaming baby in the middle of the night waiting on the formula to heat up.
• It's the only time you can ever lose weight without dieting or exercise!
• Breastfeeding is more convenient, when traveling, all you need is to take diapers, the milk is always available, sterile, and the right temperature.
• During times of disaster,  you don't have to worry about finding formula.
• Breastfed babies smell great....spit ups don't stain, or smell, and poopie diapers are not offensive...(until solids are introduced)
• Breastfed babies know their moms and will never confuse them with a sitter.
• The strong bond developed with nursing is much more intense.
• There is no feeling to describe the child suckling at your breast and letting go to give you a big smile; and knowing that the  growth of your baby came from what your body produced! Wow! What a feeling!
• The satisfaction of knowing you are giving your baby the best start in life!
• Breastmilk taste great! Sweet tasting! Variations in taste according to foods moms eats.  Have you ever tasted formula? Ugh!
• Breastfeeding requires the use of only one arm....you can do other things while breastfeeding, (except cooking and driving)
• Many, many more benefits, too numerous to list!!!

Psalms 22:9...You made me hope and trust when I was on my mother's breast.

 After all the research I did when I got pregnant with Emma I already knew that breastfeeding was the ONLY option. I truly believe that my kids are healthier because I breastfed. Jordan is 10 and hasnt really been sick ever. Conor has very mild allergies so much mild that I hardly ever see them. None of my kids have had ear infections or anything like that.

I am now in month 16 of breastfeeding my daughter, Emma. I wouldnt change it for the world. Yes there have been sacrifices along the way. Mike and I havent been out on a date since Emma was born but we try to have alone time at home. Ive only recently been able to leave her with anyone so that I could get things done. But again I wouldnt go back. Breastfeeding takes selflessness.

I know there are women out there who cant breastfeed. I know there are babies that wont latch on or who dont thrive on breastmilk. The problem I have is with women who wont even give it a chance. The women out there who just automatically jump to a bottle. I try not to judge women who dont breastfeed but at the end of the day I just dont understand a woman who has all the knowledge and the abilities to breastfeed and yet still chooses unnatural formula.

This is not a blog about bashing those who CANT, its not even about those who wont. Its about something I believe in. I BELIEVE that breastfeeding is THE best thing you can do for your child. I BELIEVE that my children are better because of it. Its my passion. As I wind down breastfeeding my last baby I am filled with mixed emotions. I am sad, happy, tired, and proud. I am sad because shes my last baby. It will be the last time I experience the joy of nursing. I am happy because I get my boobs back. I am tired, breastfeeding is tiring. Yet I am proud, because I know my children are healthier because of it. I am proud to say that breastfed three children and that a bottle has NEVER been used in my home. I have seriously considered becoming a lactation consultant to pass on the great knowledge of breastfeeding. Maybe someday when my children are grown I can accomplish this. Until then I will talk to other women who believe this is the best. I will remember the days when I had a baby at my breast as I watch them grow and thrive.