A Solitary Darkness

There is a dark chapter in my life that most of my life I have had to hide. There are very few people who know that story. There are very few people who accept that I even made such a decision. Its not something talked about in general society.

 When I logged onto facebook this morning I saw where several people had posted that today is National Sanctity of Human Life Day. Of course the posts were mostly questions about "how could these people do this?" and "IF they only knew the blessing they were killing they would think twice". Its wrong to judge what you do not know.

The year was 1997. I was 17 just a month shy of my 18th birthday and I was pregnant. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. The idea of having to tell my parents was mortifying. I told my friend and we told my mom together. My mom called my dad who told me to have it or have an abortion. There was no other option. Of course looking back I guess I could have done anything, he was miles away and I was almost 18. My mom and I talked about it and I made a decision. I felt like I had no other option. I didn't want to have a baby that I couldn't support. I had just started a job and was still living at home. The guy that I was with at the time didn't want a baby at that time. I gave a lot of thought to adoption. But in the end I decided that I didn't want to add to a population of children no one wanted.

I went to clinic on a sunny August morning. I was scared and felt alone. My mom went with me and if I remember correctly my aunt. I think my boyfriend showed up but I cant really remember. This wasn't a choice made lightly. I agonized over it before finally choosing what I felt was best for me at that moment in my life. I remember music playing and feeling sleepy. Then I was waking up and I felt like it was a dream. Like I was in a fog. I remember going home and sleeping not really feeling anything.

Abortion is something not talked about. I cant talk about it with friends because most of them believe I am a murderer. I cant talk about it in church for the same reason and there's always the possibility of being ostracized. People look at you different when they find out. I always feel like people are judging me. The church is supposed to be a place of refuge. A place where you can go and feel loved and accepted. But for me I have to hide a part of who I am. Theres no feeling of acceptance. I know what your thinking "but this was a choice you made". Yes it was. I own it. My problem is with the people who continually try to make me feel bad for it. There are no support groups for this like miscarriages. No one wants to talk about it. Its a silent sadness.

I make no apologies for my choice. Because that's what it was MY CHOICE. We have the right to chose where to live, who to marry, how many children to have, whether or not to believe in God. He gave us free will. The choice to follow Him or not. I do not agree with women who CHOSE to have more children than they can afford. I do not agree with women who CHOSE to judge other women for choices they do not agree with. I believe in CHOICE. I believe in birth control for women whose husbands are abusive or for women who are single or for women who just don't want anymore children. Many women out there use birth control to control periods that are so heavy and so painful they cant function.

I went through the same stages of grief that a woman that has a miscarriage does. First, denial. It may seem strange for that emotion to come up considering it was MY CHOICE but I was in denial about even being pregnant let alone the idea that I had just had an abortion. Second, anger. I was angry at myself for even being stupid enough to get pregnant at 17 in the first place. I was angry at my boyfriend for not being more supportive. Third, bargaining. I cant say I remember making any bargains but I do remember thinking "this will never happen again." Fourth, depression. I remember being very depressed about the whole situation. I was sad because I had gotten pregnant. I was sad because I knew I was no longer pregnant. Finally, acceptance. I accepted the CHOICE that I made. I accepted that no matter how selfish it sounded that I could move on. That I didn't have a child that I couldn't take care of. That I didn't have a child out there somewhere wondering why I gave him/her away.

I do not have any regrets. I believe I made the right choice. The guy that I was with at the time also fathered my oldest son 4 years later. Looking back I believe had I had the first baby I would not have the children that I have today. I would not be where I am today. My ex and I were together almost 10 years. From 1996-2005 (off and on). We were married in 2000 and separated in 2005. I had my oldest in 2001. From the moment my oldest was born my ex was distant. He didn't want to have much to do with us. So my gut tells me  that we wouldn't have lasted if I had had the baby at 17. Of course we didn't last anyway but my point is I wouldn't have had Jordan, Conor or Emma. My life would be different from the one I have now. I know you may be thinking that "yes my life would have been different but you wouldn't have killed a baby". Again I wouldn't change it for anything.

The truth is I KNOW  I made the right choice. I KNOW that I will see my baby again someday and I KNOW that God has forgiven me. I also know that there are many women out there who are facing the same decision that I did. They're scared, feeling confused, and persecuted. So instead of persecuting these women, or making them feel like murderers whether or not you think they are how about supporting them. How about trying to understand where they are coming from? How about loving them despite it?

February 1998 was my due month. I don't remember the exact date. So this year like every year for the past 14 I will think "wow, I would have a 14 year old". Sometimes I cry about it, I'm not a cold, heartless person. I think about whether its was a boy or a girl. I wonder how different things would have been. But I am sound in knowing that I love my life now. I finally got to be with my soul mate. I feel like I have the life I was supposed to have. Maybe its not the path that God layed out maybe it is. But again its all about choice. Why should we take away the right for people to make choices? For those of you out there who don't believe in birth control or abortion let me ask this: Do you want someone taking away your choice to have as many kids as you want? Do you want someone telling you what choices you should make? Just take a moment to put your feet in my shoes. At the very least.

I know what the bible says about abortion. I know its wrong. But I also know that there are A LOT of people out there who don't believe in God or the bible. They should have the right to make choices regarding their lives. Just like we have the choice to believe in God and to follow the bible. There are also A LOT of people out there like me, who are Christians, who have made choices in their lives that were wrong but right for them at the time. I am a Christian. I am a woman and I CHOSE an abortion.

The Very Best and Nothing Less

There are few things in life I am truly passionate about. Im passionate about my kids, my husband, my marriage, but Im also passionate about planned parenthood and breastfeeding. There are things I want to be more passionate about like God and church and homeschooling because afterall I am homeschooling. This is the year I am going to improve my relationship with God, Im going to get more involved in church and improve my homeschooling. But right now in this stage of my life I am passionate about breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding is something I have been passionate about since I got pregnant with Jordan. When I got pregnant with Jordan instantly knew I wanted to breastfeed. At the time I didnt know anything about it. I just knew that it was the best choice. On the plus side it was free. No formula, no bottles, no having to wait for it to warm, no having to get up in the middle of the night and make a bottle. I was blessed when Jordan was born he instantly took to breastfeeding. He latched on right away. He nursed for two years.

When I got pregnant with Conor we werent prepared. One day Mike and I were talking about money and he mentioned that he wasnt sure how we were going to afford formula. I just laughed and said " Im the formula." He just looked at me like "what?" I told him I had no intention of using bottles. When Conor was born again I was blessed and he latched on right away and nursed for about a year. Then he weened himself.

In between Conor and Emma I started to doing research on breastfeeding. Here in America we are so ingrained to believe that formula is just as good as breastfeeding and its not! Here are just a few facts about breastfeeding. After reading this I cant believe any mom would believe that formula is okay to give their child.

• Children receive the most complete and optimal mix of nutrients & antibodies
• The varying composition of breastmilk keeps pace with the infant's individual growth and changing nutritional needs
• Have fewer incidences of vomiting and diarrhea in the US (20-35 million episodes of diarrhea occur in children under the age of 5, resulting in over 200,000 hospitalizations and 400-500 deaths in the U.S.)
• Protection against gastroenteritis, necrotizing entercolitis
• Reduced risk of chronic constipation, colic, and other stomach upsets
• Reduced risk of childhood diabetes
• Protection against ear infections, respiratory illnesses, pneumonia, bronchitis, kidney infections, septicemia (blood poisoning),
• Protection against allergies,   asthma, eczema, and severity of allergic disease
• Reduced risk of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) Statistics reveal that for every 87 deaths from SIDS, only 3 are breastfed.
• Protection against meningitis, botulism, childhood lymphoma, crohn's disease and ulcerative entercolits
• Decreased risk of tooth decay (cavities)
• Nursing promotes facial structure development, enhanced speech,  straighter teeth and enhances vision.
• Breastfed infants develop higher IQ's, and have improved brain and nervous system development; IQ advantage of 10-12 points studied at ages 8, 12, and 18.  (Breastfeeding is considered the 4th trimester in brain growth and development...there are specific proteins in human milk that promote brain development))
• Reduced risk of heart disease later in life
• Increased bone density
• Breastfeeding plays an important role in the emotional and spiritual  development of babies
• Breastfed babies enjoy a special warm bonding and emotional relationship with their mothers    
• Antibody response to vaccines are higher
• Are hospitalized 10 times less than formula fed infants in the first year of life
• The colostrum (first milk) coats the GI tract, preventing harmful bacteria and allergy -triggering protein molecules from crossing into baby's blood
• Decreased risk for vitamin E and Iron deficiency anemia
• Decreased risk for acute appendicitis, rheumatoid arthritis, inguinal hernia, pyloric stenosis
• There are factors in human milk that destroy E coli, salmonella, shigella, streptococcus, pneumococcus....and many others
• Less risk of childhood obesity

Health Benefits to Moms Who Breastfeed

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• Reduced risk of breast, ovarian, cervical, and endometrial cancers
• Reduced risk of anemia
• Protection against osteoporosis and hip fracture later in life
• Reduced risk of mortality for women with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) has been associated with total time of lactation
• Helps the mother's body return to its pre-pregnancy state faster - promotes weight loss...1/2 of calories needed to manufacture milk is pulled from fat stores... can burn from 500 - 1,500 calories per day.
• Helps delay return of fertility and to space subsequent pregnancies
• Develops a special emotional relationship and bonding with her child
• Breastmilk is free- reducing or eliminating the cost of formula (in the thousands of dollars/per year)
• Breastfed babies are sick less thus reducing healthcare costs to family in Doctor office visits, prescriptions, over the counter medicine purchases, and hospitalizations
• Moms miss less time off from work due to child related illnesses
• Helps the uterus contract after birth to control postpartum bleeding

Benefits to the Environment and Society

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• Breastfeeding reduces the cost of healthcare by promoting healthier children and mothers..........If all WIC babies in the U.S. were breastfed, our economical savings would be $33,000,000 per month ..........In 1993, 90,000 babies were hospitalized for RSV at a cost of 450 million dollars. Currently, the U.S. spends over 1 billion dollars a year on Otitis Media (ear infections)
• Reduced insurance premiums for both parents and employers
• Breastfeeding reduces global pollution by decreasing the use of resources and energy required to produce, process, package, distribute, promote and dispose of materials created by the manufacture and use of artificial baby milk
• Reduced tax burden on communities and government to ensure children are properly fed
• Reduced absenteeism in the workplace due to children's illnesses

Other Benefits from Breastfeeding

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• Breastfeeding makes you feel good, the hormones produced during nursing have an endorphin effect  giving you a relaxed feeling.
• You have a great excuse to sit down and relax.....
• You can nurse while sleeping...nursing moms get more rest than formula feeding moms.
• Breastfeeding saves moms about 7 hours a week off their feet.
• No screaming baby in the middle of the night waiting on the formula to heat up.
• It's the only time you can ever lose weight without dieting or exercise!
• Breastfeeding is more convenient, when traveling, all you need is to take diapers, the milk is always available, sterile, and the right temperature.
• During times of disaster,  you don't have to worry about finding formula.
• Breastfed babies smell great....spit ups don't stain, or smell, and poopie diapers are not offensive...(until solids are introduced)
• Breastfed babies know their moms and will never confuse them with a sitter.
• The strong bond developed with nursing is much more intense.
• There is no feeling to describe the child suckling at your breast and letting go to give you a big smile; and knowing that the  growth of your baby came from what your body produced! Wow! What a feeling!
• The satisfaction of knowing you are giving your baby the best start in life!
• Breastmilk taste great! Sweet tasting! Variations in taste according to foods moms eats.  Have you ever tasted formula? Ugh!
• Breastfeeding requires the use of only one arm....you can do other things while breastfeeding, (except cooking and driving)
• Many, many more benefits, too numerous to list!!!

Psalms 22:9...You made me hope and trust when I was on my mother's breast.

 After all the research I did when I got pregnant with Emma I already knew that breastfeeding was the ONLY option. I truly believe that my kids are healthier because I breastfed. Jordan is 10 and hasnt really been sick ever. Conor has very mild allergies so much mild that I hardly ever see them. None of my kids have had ear infections or anything like that.

I am now in month 16 of breastfeeding my daughter, Emma. I wouldnt change it for the world. Yes there have been sacrifices along the way. Mike and I havent been out on a date since Emma was born but we try to have alone time at home. Ive only recently been able to leave her with anyone so that I could get things done. But again I wouldnt go back. Breastfeeding takes selflessness.

I know there are women out there who cant breastfeed. I know there are babies that wont latch on or who dont thrive on breastmilk. The problem I have is with women who wont even give it a chance. The women out there who just automatically jump to a bottle. I try not to judge women who dont breastfeed but at the end of the day I just dont understand a woman who has all the knowledge and the abilities to breastfeed and yet still chooses unnatural formula.

This is not a blog about bashing those who CANT, its not even about those who wont. Its about something I believe in. I BELIEVE that breastfeeding is THE best thing you can do for your child. I BELIEVE that my children are better because of it. Its my passion. As I wind down breastfeeding my last baby I am filled with mixed emotions. I am sad, happy, tired, and proud. I am sad because shes my last baby. It will be the last time I experience the joy of nursing. I am happy because I get my boobs back. I am tired, breastfeeding is tiring. Yet I am proud, because I know my children are healthier because of it. I am proud to say that breastfed three children and that a bottle has NEVER been used in my home. I have seriously considered becoming a lactation consultant to pass on the great knowledge of breastfeeding. Maybe someday when my children are grown I can accomplish this. Until then I will talk to other women who believe this is the best. I will remember the days when I had a baby at my breast as I watch them grow and thrive.