Soul Seaching

Lately I have been doing some soul searching. What kind of Mom do I want to be? What kind of life do we want? What kind of church are we looking for? I guess I'm having one of those who I am moments. So many questions in my head. Maybe its my age, maybe its knowing that I have these three wonderful kids that I am responsible for. I don't know. You would think by now at my age I would have at least some of the answers but I don't. All I know is this is THE year for changes.

I have been thinking quite a bit lately about church. What I want from church. What am I looking for? I cant help but think about the church I went to youth group at. Carbondale Baptist Church. I didn't go to church much growing up because we moved so much and because my parents are different denominations. When we moved here in 1993 we started to go to Carbondale. I really liked it. Heck I even met both my husbands there ( yes, I know how that sounds). It was a little church with great people. We had a great pastor and the youth group was full of people that I really liked. I made some really good friends there.I graduated in 1997 and started to move away from church. I was dating a guy at the time that wasn't interested in going to church and I sort of adopted that way of thinking. Ive been that way for years now and I'm tired of it. Mike and I had our first kiss in that sanctuary. I have wonderful memories of that church. Ive been to several churches over the years trying to reclaim that feeling and I just haven't found it. Maybe I wont find it again but in the mean time I am once again searching. We've been going to a church not far from our house now for about 9 months or so, off and on. Michael and I both struggle with getting up early on Sundays because we like to sleep in ( I know, lame excuse). We are trying to change this. There isn't any one particular thing that I dislike about the church we currently belong to. It just doesn't have things I want right now. I would like to find a church with a ladies group with some women about my age that have a regular bible study and maybe have luncheons or participate in a charity or something. I would like to find a church where I don't know anyone. Its makes it so much easier to start fresh. No history, no rivals, no drama. I would like to find a church where Jordan could have boys his own age that he could look forward to seeing every week. Searching. So in my search I am going to visit a church not far from our house. Its a Southern Baptist Church which is what we prefer and by what I have read on their website they seem to have everything that I am looking for. While I am visiting and checking things out Michael will continue to go to Easton Heights to help his mother with her class. This may seem a little unorthodox to some people but this is something I have to do and Michael is being very supportive. He understands what I am going through.

At home we have been trying to change things also. Michael and I have been off the "path" for so long that its hard to make changes. We're struggling but also trying to work through these obstacles. Michael was raised in the church, I remember going a hand full of times before we moved here to Oklahoma. There are benefits to both sides. Hes been going through questions like " Why do I believe what I believe? Is it because I was raised in church or because I truly believe it?" I know that Michael and I will find what we are looking for. I also know we will find a church home that fits us the way we want. Where that will be remains to be seen. If Easton Heights is to be our home then I know we will showed this.



I love our life and when I look back at how my life was before this I think about how great I have it now. When I was married to my ex-husband I lived in dumps, never had a decent car, and was constantly broke. Now I have a husband who supports my decision to stay home, we live in a decent house, have a car that runs, and we have money to pay bills and play when we want to. We're not well off but we're not broke a** either. We have been careful with our money lately and its paying off. We're able to do more things with it. Mike has been working really hard at work and recently got a small promotion with a raise. Not much but enough to make a difference. He is an awesome husband and I truly look forward to wherever God decides to place us. I know that wherever he puts us we'll do wonderful things.

Right now I'm trying to search God and rely that He will show me the way. This is hard for me but I'm trying. That's all I can do right now.

First Impressions

What does it mean to make a first impression? Most people will say that a first impression is everything. That you are most likely judged on that first impression. Does this also pertain to Christians? Do we judge people based on what we see first and if so is this the correct reaction to a person?


The short answer is yes we do and no its not. I myself am definitely guilty of this one. John 7:24 Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.”


I myself am often judged on appearance. My tattoos tend to offend people especially Christians.  They so often assume that I cannot possibly be anything more than a heathen. But I don't care what they think, my tattoos are a map to my past.  I have trouble when it comes to peoples clothing. I was taught you didn't leave the house unless you looked nice. Clean clothes, no stains, holes or tears. Now I know that sometimes kids clothes will come up with holes in them. In our home theses clothes are for around the house only. We do not buy the fanciest or most expensive clothes. Most of the time I shop at Walmart or Target. Most of the time I try to shop at a thrift store first before I hit Walmart or Target.  I love thrift stores. You can find some really nice clothes there. I just make sure they don't have any tears or stains.


These first impressions apply to everyone you meet. Prospective mates, their family, employers, church members, everyone. So what happens after you've made the first impression? Is it then okay to show your 'true colors' so to speak? When Michael and I were first married I remember the morning after the first time he spent the night I got up before he did and fixed my hair and makeup. Now after hes seen me give birth to two children there's not much he hasn't seen. I still fix my hair and makeup before he comes home from work and when we go out into public I try my best to look nice beside him. But there are days where I don't bother to fix my hair or makeup if we're just hanging around the house. Even though we are married I still want to look good for him. I know the days of white gloves and hats are gone but I think its important to look presentable when going to church or a job depending on where you work that is.


So why am I writing about this? I guess its because of all the people that I have seen lately who just look like plain slobs. Baggy pants, stained clothes, wrinkled to death, clothes that show too much skin, nasty crusty feet with long toe nails (another hang up I have, I cant stand feet), just plain laziness when it comes to appearance. What has happened to society?


I know there a lot of lower income people out there who maybe cant afford nice clothing. We fall into the lower income category yet we are able to cloth ourselves and our children in decent clothing. Its all about where you shop. Again, thrift stores are great, especially for kids clothes they're just going to outgrow in a few months anyway. But then again its also about priorities. I know some of you maybe thinking "well I don't care what other people think about me" or that this blog is more about vanity than anything else. No I don't care what other people think about me but I still want to look presentable. I am probably the least vain person I know but it doesn't stop me from fixing my hair and makeup and trying to dress, if nothing else so that I feel good about myself. And you may not care about what other people think about you but the world is cruel and sometimes kids are judged on what they're parents look like or how they themselves dress and kids should feel comfortable in how they look.


I hope it doesn't sound like I am judging anyone for they're situation. I'm not. I'm just writing about what we do and believe. You don't have to agree with me and if Ive offended anyone, I apologize.

Acceptance and Tolerance

Tolerance and acceptance. Two words I think at some point in our lives we struggle with. I came across two I think best fit what I have been thinking about.


Psalms 105:5- Whoever slanders his neighbor in secret, him will I put to silence; whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart, him will I not endure.


1 Timothy 1:15-  Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.


Ill be honest I have a hard time accepting some people and their actions. Maybe its more their actions than it is them. Sometimes its hard for me to separate the sin from the person or the action from the person. For me this occurs with not just people I know but also people I don't know.


Why is it that as Christians we can be so intolerant and so unaccepting of others? Even people in our own families. Maybe more so of the people we are closest to. I have people I know that sometimes I cant even stand to be in the same room with because of their actions. I know this is not a Christian attitude and lately I have been really struggling with this. Most of the time its something the person is doing or has done that I am unaccepting of. These things range from the way they act to the things they believe. 


I find that I am not very accepting or tolerant of things I do not understand. This also varies depending on the person and the situation. There are members of my own family that I don't like to be around because I do not accept their situation. I am ashamed to admit that. I am writing this with the hopes that through talking about it and prayer maybe I can move past it.  There are days I don't want to go to church because I don't want to see certain people. These people are a distraction to me during service and I find it hard to be the kind of Christian that I want to be. I know this is Satan's way of keeping me from worshipping but ignoring it is easier said than done. I am aware of it and that makes it that much harder.


Michael and I both are at pivotal points in our lives. We seem to be at a fork and although we both want to take the path to God somehow we keep going down the wrong path. Feeling judged about this hasn't been helping us. Sometimes I think we should just move somewhere where no one knows us and we could start over. I know with much prayer and Bible study we will get back to the right path. For now I have to immerse myself in God and try to shut out the thoughts Satan keeps putting in my head in regards to others and their lives. I just need to live my life and worry about my own problems.