Feelings of Inadequacy

I recently read a posting by a blogger that my sister in law posted on her facebook page. Its about mom guilt. I found this ironic considering that the past week or so I have been thinking about this very thing. I just hadn't called it guilt. But I guess that's what it is. In her blog she talks about all the perfect moms that have been on t.v.: June Cleaver, Donna Reed, Shirley Partridge, etc. I thought this was funny and yet so true.

Lately I have been feeling inadequate as a mother. Maybe its my stage in life I don't know. I'm almost to my mid-thirties and that closer to forty. I don't mind this its just a fact. I relish getting older, for many reasons. I love the idea of growing old with Michael and watching ours kids grow as well. But lately Ive been thinking about whether or not I am a good mom. Have I done the right things with the kids? Am I still doing the right things? How can I improve things? 

I feel guilty about a lot of things. Is public school the best option for our kids? I go back and forth on this one. Should I be more strict with what they're aloud to watch or listen to? I should have been going to church since the day I found out I was pregnant. Have I cheated my children by not going more consistently? Whats important to us as a family unit? Are we making the right things priorities? Do I pay enough attention to my kids? I think I do but there's always a voice in the back of my head when they're off playing in their rooms saying "you should be playing with them." Have I given them my all? Have I given them the best that I can?  You would think that after being a parent for almost 10 years that I would have this down but I don't.

 When Jordan was about 3 years old I was living in a part of Tulsa that I didn't care for and it was then that I started investigating homeschooling. I found a whole society of "perfect moms." "Perfect moms" to make me question myself as a mom. That was 7 years ago, since then the movement has grown significantly, going from 1,096,000 in 2003 to 2.5 million in 2008. It was in 2009 that I started to think about it again. The only difference this time was that we asked my sister in law to home school him. A veteran, she agreed. He did well. While reading this blog she talks about the expectations of homeschooling moms, here's an excerpt: 

Somehow I was now expected to be planting, growing, and canning all my own produce, scrubbing and polishing my home until it blinded all who saw it, preparing organic and delicious, but economical meals from scratch for not only my troops but for overnight guests, visitors to my church, and all mothers within a 20 mile radius who had recently given birth. I learned that my blue jeans were immodest and not feminine; my hair needed to make me attractive but not be colored and was best worn long, an impossibility all at once. I found out that godly moms don’t yell, don’t use cream of mushroom soup, don’t listen to Carole King, don’t need time away from their kids, EVER, and don’t attempt to teach any male anything ever unless it is a 3 year old how to use the bathroom. (Karen Campbell, Mom Guilt, thatmom.com)

I have come across this before in a couple of the home school groups that I have joined in the past. Although I only home schooled Jordan for a short time I joined 3 home school groups in that time. According to the paragraph above I am a failure. I like the idea of having a garden but don't see the point living in a rent house, I can barely cook for my own family (I don't like to cook) so cooking for others is probably not a good idea. Plus we eat a fairly strict diet and I don't think anyone else would like what I fix. I love blue jeans and t-shirts. I will wear skirts to church if I have one that fits and looks nice on me. My hair is short probably always will be. I like to color my hair because its the one thing I can change quickly without surgery or exercise. I have tattoo's, 19 to be exact. I don't feel this makes me any less of a Christian although there are those who might disagree. They are a part of me, a record of my life in pictures. Each one means something different, a different stage of my life. I may get more, I have some recent additions Id like to record. I consider myself a Christian, a woman working on being more Godly but I sometimes have slips where I yell at the kids. I listen to all kinds of different music, in fact right now I'm listening to Garth Brooks. Most of the time I listen to National Public Radio. I need breaks from everyone now and then not just my kids. I love them but I think we all need breaks from time to time even kids from parents. 

 I know she wasn't saying I need to be these things in fact it was nice to read that she didn't view this as reality. But as I have found there are women out there who believe this is THE way women should be and no other way is acceptable. I have to admit there are times I feel like I have really messed up with my kids and wish I had a time machine to go back and change a few things. But the truth is I cant and when I really stop and think about it I wonder if given the chance what exactly would I change? I try my best, whether its good enough or not only time will tell. Michael loves me and has told me before he knows that I am trying my best. But its hard to think you're doing a good job when you're constantly bombarded by moms out there who truly believe that they're doing it right and what you're doing is not. I have tried to stay in the middle. I don't want to participate in either extreme. I want my kids to have freedom but also remain tethered just a bit. That's what my parents gave me and for the most part I turned out okay. 

I'm writing this because I have felt for awhile now that I have been somehow failing my kids with the way we've been doing things. Michael and I recently had a discussion about this very thing. Here's what he said " I want our kids to do well in school (whether we home school or not), to go to college, get jobs they love and are good at, to be responsible adults. For us as a couple to save money and retire young so we can have time to just be "us". All the things that I want as well. Its so nice to married to someone who believes the same as you do and is supportive of decisions made. I am very blessed to have him.

I think we as women have a tendency to make others feel bad about how they're doing things. Whether  conscientiously or not I think we all do it. Some of us are more blatant about it, other not so much. The Internet has given everyone the ability to put their opinion out there. Ill be the first to admit that. I like the idea of a blog. I have tried for years off and on to keep a journal and haven't been able to keep one consistently but being able to log on and type seems to make it easier. 

Moms we need to unite together, not tear each other apart for differences. I will keep trying to be the best Mom that I can be. That's all I can do.

Que Sera, Sera

Whatever will be will be. The future. We make plans but if you believe like I do you know that the future is already planned out for us. I have been giving this a lot of thought lately. Mike and I have been talking about savings accounts, 401K's and retirement. I know I'm only in my 30's but we are starting late in the game as far as saving for the future goes. I have also been thinking about the kind of future I want to give my children. I try to think about each major decision we make in terms of what it means for my children. Part of the reason we have been talking about saving is because of our kids. Growing up my grandparents were always there to help my parents and later of course me. We want to be able to help our kids and maybe even our grand kids if necessary.


There are also other goals that we have set for things we would like to have and do in the future. We have been talking about moving to Arizona in the next 5-8 years. We would like to buy a house someday and of course retire so that we can spend time together as a couple. We would like to be able to go on family vacations and someday maybe travel just the two of us. These are all things we wont be able to do if we do not plan for it now. That was just one of the deciding factors when it came to should we have any more kids. We talked about possibly having a fourth if Emma hadn't been a girl. But thankfully it was a girl. I just don't think we could have handled anymore than three. With the rising costs of food, clothing, transportation, and  well almost everything it just makes sense to only have what you can care for. Just my opinion. I love my kids very much and I want to be able to provide for them everything they need and maybe not everything they want but at least some of things they do want.


When discussing saving money it can always be touchy. We eventually decided to up the percentage taken out of his check to put into his 401K so that when he leaves Mesa we will have put back a nice chunk to move over to another account. We are also looking into possibly a savings account at our bank to help if we ever had any overdraft fees. I cant begin to describe how proud I am of my husband. He has really taken a new path in the last 3 years or so. He's in school and trying to get a degree so that he can get a better job, he's thinking about what we will have in our future so we're not constantly struggling and he's a great Dad. He really has grown up since we were first married.


I look forward to and embrace growing older. Yes sometimes its scary but I have Michael to go with me through it, so its not so bad. I'm already getting gray hair. I think about what we will have. Money to retire and be together, kids who have grown up and maybe even have kids of their own. Time to be a couple and possibly travel or just be together. A life of no stress or at least less stress. I cant wait but in the mean time we're trying to be responsible in the here and now so our future will be full of fun. I look forward to what God has in store for us. Whatever will be will be.

Auld Lang Syne

Im a little behind in posting this but here it is.....

Auld Lang Syne: times gone by. Here we are again about to conclude another year. I cant believe we're about to enter 2011. Who would have guessed. This year has been an exciting year for me and my family. I started out this year discovering I was pregnant. January 8th to be exact. What an exciting way to begin a new year. We made the decision in February to move in with my father in law to try to save some money. We moved in with him in early March. It was nice to have the option and I really appreciate that he allowed it. For the most part we succeeded in saving money. Not much happened in April. In May we took a trip to Silver Dollar City (for those of you who dont know its an amusement park/old timey town). I had never been there. Even though it rained the two days we were there it was still lots of fun. In June I had an ultrasound and was told we were having a girl. I was both shocked and thrilled at the same time. I was almost positive that I was having another boy. So needless to say I was over the moon to find out I was indeed having a girl. I took the ultrasound photos to Mike at work and he was so happy he could hardly contain it. June was also exciting because I found out that my sister Erica was pregnant with her first child. I was so excited for her. Then in July I found out that my other sister Rebecca was also pregnant with her first child. It was so cool that we were all pregnant at the same time. Its been really neat to be able to share all my pregnancy and birthing experiences with them and to be able to give them advice and comforting during the crazy process of being pregnant and giving birth. Not much happened in August. In September I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. We named her Emma Jane. My sisters still have several months before they deliver so Ive been able to give them tips and comfort. In early October I started looking for a place of our own. We really missed having our own place. My sister called me one day and said the house next door to her was for rent. I called right away and by the next week it was ours. I was so excited. To be next door to my sister, have it be something we can afford and to have our own space again. I was thrilled. We moved in on October 13th. The rest of October was pretty uneventful unless you count Halloween. Jordan went as the guy from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Conor went as Thomas the Train. Conor turned 3 in November. I cant believe hes already three! The time goes by so fast sometimes I want to cry. November was also sort of a big month for me because I decided to put Jordan back into public school. I was not giving him what I felt I could give him at home. Hes doing great and seems to really enjoy it. December was nice. We went to my sister in laws for Christmas Eve. It was fun. She fixed tacos and enchiladas, they were good. The kids played and opened presents. After we left there we went light looking and then read the story of Jesus' birth and The Zombie Night Before Christmas ( I love this book). Christmas Day we went to my Moms for lunch. We had turkey with all the trimmings. The we opened presents and visited. It was nice. We left there and went to Mike's Moms house where we had snacks and opened more presents. We then left there and went to my Grandpas house. Then it was home to relax. We spent the weekend just hanging out. Then it was time for the New Year. We spent the evening going out to dinner and then coming home  and just being together. Jordan and Conor went over to Mike's sisters house to spend the night. They had a lot of fun and Conor even made it to midnight.

I wonder what excitement awaits us in 2011. The year will be starting off very exciting because my youngest sister Erica will be giving birth to her first child. They have decided to name him Hugo. I cant wait to see pictures. Then in February my sister Rebecca will give birth to her first child, Marshall and my friend Reta will be having her second child, a boy. Then in March my cousin Haleigh will be having her second child, a girl. Babies, Babies! In June my oldest will be 10, I cant believe it. In September my youngest will turn 1 and Mike and I will celebrate 5 years of marriage. Mike will be halfway through his associates degree in 2011 as well. In November Conor will be 4! Lots of little milestones along the way also. There are so many things to look forward to and that doesnt even count the things I dont know about.

I look back over the year with pride. Yes, there have been snags along the way and things havent always gone as planned. Our original plan was to save money to buy a house but as the months went by we decided that renting might be a better option for now. We've been talking about maybe moving to Arizona once hes done with school so I dont want to buy a house here if we might be moving there. We went down to one car. A huge step for me because I feel trapped without a car of my own but I agreed so we could have money to get our own place. Plus its cheaper in the long run. One of the biggest things that didnt go as planned was my homeschooling Jordan. I had so wanted to continue but I realized that with Emma here and Conors energy it just wasnt possible. I had to admit that I had failed, something I dont do easily.

I have many goals for next year. First and foremost I want to lose weight. This is of the utmost importance to me. To achieve this goal I purchased a diet book. I use the term diet loosely because I see it more as lifestyle change. I like it a lot. Its full of fresh fruits and vegetables. Im cooking and preparing food more often now. It has an excercise program with it also. Now that I'm done having children I can truly focus on that part of my life. We are going to start going to church more consistently as this is also very important to me. I think 2011 will be a good year for us.

So here's to the new year. whatever it may bring, be it good or bad.