Innocence Lost

My mother has started a blog. Something I never thought I would live to see. But times they are a changin'. Her blog is named Dancing through my divorce.  Its basically an account of when and how she found out that my dad was having an affair. Growing up my dad wasnt around much. He was in the Navy. I understand that he had a job to do but it was hard sometimes. He would come home from long deployments and I dont know about my sisters but I felt like we were always in trouble. I remember good things like going to Disney World or Universal Studios. There were other things we used to do as a family that I remember that were fun like going to really junky flea markets, Florida has some of the best, and eating at fun places.

I remember the day my mom called me with what sounded like despair in her voice. I grabbed the kids and went over immediately. And there it was. Something I had suspected for years the truth: my dad had a girlfriend. I cant say I was surprised. Right after he retired and moved back to Tulsa I caught an instant message that hadnt closed between him and someone else where he told that person that he loved them. I wrote it off and decided to keep my nose out of it. Maybe if I had said something all those years ago I could have saved my mom years of sadness. But I didnt. I knew my parents were'nt happy but I never thought they would divorce. When I was in school I was one of the few kids who could proudly say that my parents were still married.But here I was sitting on the couch listening to my mom talk about some text messages she'd read on my dad cell phone. I thought text messages, really how old are we?

What transpired over the next year was harder than I could have ever imagined. My dad moved out Easter Sunday 2008. I mean really thanks for tainting that day. At first I thought everything would be okay. But it wasnt and still isnt. A man Id known my entire life, literally, suddenly became someone I didnt know. Being around him was awkward and difficult. Especially as my parents started going through the divorce process. My dad was in the Navy for about 26 years. My parents were legally married for 30, therefore my mom gets half of his monthly retirement. He threw the biggest fit about this. I thought it was fair. My mother raised three children, ran a household and waited for him to retire only for him to run off with someone else. I thought that a measley monthly payment should be sufficient for 30 years of marriage. But he didnt.

When my dad moved out he decided that my mom should get the house. What a joke. He thought he was helping her but all it did was bring her more heartache. My mom couldnt afford to keep the house. We moved here in 1993. My parents actually built the house from where we lived in Florida. What an ordeal that was. We got here and my dad was eventually stationed for his last years in the Navy in Corpus Christi, Texas. I believe now that he had a girlfriend there as well. For that matter he probably had girlfriends throughout the years. No proof of course just call it womans intuition. I liked the house my parents built. I had a lot of firsts there. My first Merle Norman visit to get makeup, my first kiss on the porch, my first driving lessons, first date, boyfriend, broken heart, car, and job. To me it was like the childhood home Id never had. Since we moved around so much we never really had a home of our own. It was always military issued housing. This was our first home. And now I was facing the possibilty that it would be gone. I was very sad even thought its just brick and mortar. Mike and I had moved in with my mom in July of 2008 top try to save money. By March of 2009 we had to move into an apartment. My mom was in the process of trying to put the house up on the market and clean it out. What a nightmare that was. On top of my dad just up and leaving he left behind 30 years of crap. Literally. When my dad left he only wanted stuff from the kitchen! No photos, no memorabilia, nothing. Just the pasta machine and the set it and forget it. That hurt.

Let me tell you that cleaning out a 4 bedroom house with two bathrooms and a two car garage is not small feat. Plus on top of that my dad had decided that we should paint on of the bedrooms in New Orleans Saints colors and that hard wood floors should be installed. But he didnt finish either. The floors werent finished, the outside of the house in the back yard was falling apart, there had been a small fire on the side of the house that had never been repaired and the house needed to be painted. There was a lot of work to be done and very little money to do so. We did manage to get the house cleaned out. It took about 3 months. It sucked and brought up all kinds of emotions. I was sad, angry, hurt, and confused all at once.

My mom talks about all the questions she has about my dads affair. I think me and the girls do too. Why couldnt he have just been honest with my mom and told her the truth? How long had it been going on? Why did he seem to care so little? Why does it seem that we dont exsist now that he has a new girlfriend? How can a man Ive known my entire life suddenly seem like a stranger? I see him now and its awkward. I dont know what to talk about and he always seems in a hurry to leave. Ive met the girlfriend....all Ill say is yeeesh. My dad has never really answered my questions. I dont think he wants to. Its like talking to some dude off the street who says "hey Im your dad." One of the worst things about all that happened is that my son Jordan was really hurt by this. He and my dad were very close. They hung out a lot. Jordans own dad wasnt around much so I spent a lot of time over at my parents house hanging out and therefore Jordan and my dad did a lot together. But when he left he didnt just leave us. It was very hard to tell Jordan about my dad leaving when his own dad had just left 2 years before.

I grew up with the belief that my parents loved each other. Maybe at some point they did. But it was years ago. Long ago. I dont think my parents ever really connected. Mike and I are connected on a level I cannot explain. A love I hope others will find. I never saw my parents argue. Never saw them be affectionate. Mike and I argue not violently but we do, we are constantly kissing and hugging each other. I think its important for the kids to see that we love each other, not just know it. Its funny but I wish sometimes that my dad had never come back from Corpus Christi. I think it would have saved years of heartache. The truth is I guess my dad has always been a stranger. I just didnt realize it until I was all grown up. I want better for my children. Although Jordans dad never comes around he has Mike to be a role model, to teach him things and be there for him. I try to make our marriage a good one so that my children will never have to experience what I did even as adults. Life has gone on. My dad is still with her and my mom is dating. Im very proud that shes stepping out of her comfort zone. Only time will tell if I will ever feel differently about the whole thing. Even driving past the front of the housing edition is hard sometimes. Im sure eventually it wont bother me but for now I am saddened at the thought of the only childhood home I knew is gone....