A sadness I cannot shake.....

My Grandmother passed away in May of 2009. One day she was here and the next she wasn't. I was at home in bed when she went into the hospital. I was at home in bed when she passed. I have not been able to get past the fact that I did not get a chance to say goodbye.

My Grandma had the best laugh.

I grew up in a military family as most of you know. We moved around a lot and there were several summers I came to stay with my Grandma. Roberta Kemp of Tulsa Oklahoma. I came here 3 summers I think. When I was 5, 6 and 7. At least that's what I remember. While I was visiting we did all kinds of things I remember well. We went to B&B market, old smelly auctions where I always had to go to the bathroom and all they had was port-o-potties. Without fail I would get into the port-o-potty and just as I sat down she would say "don't sit on the seat!" She also took me to church. Namely vacation bible school. I went to vacation bible school at Carbondale Baptist Church. I later went there as a teenager/adult. I loved it there. She taught me how to make pies although I cant remember how to know. We spent time in her garden in the backyard. In the backyard used to be a large tree with a home-made swing attached to it. I loved to swing on that swing. Years later when we moved back here to Tulsa I found that the tree had been cut down it made me a little sad.

We moved here in 1993. Before our house was finished we lived with my Grandma. As I grew older I started spending lots of time with her. Especially after I had my first son, Jordan.

Grandma and Jordan '07

I wasn't working during the first few years of Jordan's life. When I did go somewhere or had something to do my Grandma would keep him. They grew very close. Over the years I would spend most days over there. Sometimes I would help her clean a room but most days were just hanging out. She helped me make Jordan a quilt. We even made one for my cousins husband whose from Mexico. I made it out of the Mexican flag colors, it turned out so beautiful and he loved it. I really enjoyed spending so much time at her house. My marriage to my first husband was difficult. My Grandmother was there to let me vent about how crappy things were but she was also very helpful over the years. When we finally divorced she was there too.

I remarried in late 2006. My divorce from Henry was final in March of 2006 but in the state of Oklahoma you have to wait 6 months to get remarried to another person. When I looked at the calender to try to pick a date that was 6 months away I just chose the first free Saturday Mike and I would both have. The date was September 30th. This also happens to be my Grandparents anniversary. The year we were married they were married 68 years! They made it all the way to 70 years before she passed. I can only hope and pray that Michael and I will make it that long.

Grandma and Grandpa at their 70th anniversary party

If we are married 70 years we'd have to live to be 100! Its possible I suppose with all the modern medicine. I think my Grandmother was happy for me. She saw how happy Mike had made me and she embraced him. Plus he liked my Grandma too because she reminded him of his own Grandmother that passed away in January of 2006, Grandma Nan.

Our son Conor was born in January 2007. I was so glad she got to at least meet him and hold him.

Grandma and Conor, hes 3 days old!

I think she loved him just as much as Jordan, she just didn't get to see him grow like she did Jordan. The past few years I hadn't been able to spend as much time with her. I regret that now. Mike and I spend a lot of our free time together and it wasn't like when I was married to Henry and I couldn't wait to get away from him. In any event I should have hung out over there more. The few months before she passed I helped my mom clean out the 'junk room.' A garage that has been converted to a room. We were going through old boxes and stuff. I kept nagging at my Grandma for keeping ancient items. I look back and think ' if id only known shed only be here another month or two I would have kept my mouth shut.' My mom moved in with my Grandparents after her and my dad split up. It was kind of cool to go over and see both of them at the same time.

The night she passed my mom said that my Grandmother was in the living room, up late as usual. She liked to sit up and sew or read. You could often find her up way past midnight. I always thought that was funny. My Grandma went to get up and couldn't, my mom called an ambulance and they took her to the hospital. All the while I was in bed, soundly asleep. In our bedroom we have a noise maker that sounds like the rain and a table fan. I cant hear much outside our bedroom so I never heard the phone ringing. My mother telling me to get to the hospital because it didn't look good. My Grandmother slipping away and me nowhere to be found.

My mom said she just sat up in the hospital bed and said "oh" and then she was gone. In a flash I was Grand-motherless.

At 6 in the morning I heard very loud banging on my front door. When I looked out the peep hole I knew it was bad. Standing there was my sister and my brother-in-law. They never came to visit let alone together. When I opened the door she said "we've been calling, Grandmas in the hospital, shes passed.' I literally crumpled to the floor. I got dressed and we went to the hospital. Everyone was there. She was just lying in the hospital bed, looked like she was sleeping. I didn't touch her. I didn't want to feel how cold I knew shed be. I wanted to remember her how I had the day before. Warm and alive. I cried for days. Even now as I write this I'm tearing up. (Although being pregnant doesn't help, I cry at stupid things like commercials). We had a viewing here in Tulsa. My sister, a hair dresser at the time, went to the funeral home and did her hair and make-up. That's something my she and my Grandmother had discussed long before she passed. She did a wonderful job. She looked like herself, only sleeping. I came home and had to tell Jordan the news, he cried but not like I thought he would. Maybe its his age. We decided to wait and have her funeral at the upcoming family reunion. Boy was that bitter sweet.

The last quilt my Grandma made, right before she passed. This photo is her children and all the Grandchildren, I didn't know they were going to take this and Mike, Conor and I had already gone back to the cabins.

The family reunion is held every year in Mountain View, Arkansas. Its a beautiful place. We've been going there for years.

Just outside of Mountain View is a tiny town called Marcella. That's where my Grandmother decided she wanted to be buried. There along side her sisters and brothers. It was nice to see family I hadn't seen in years. Cousins and aunts and uncles. From all over the U.S. Like I said it was bitter sweet. I was so happy to see all these people, but wished that it was under better circumstances. The service was beautiful. People talked about how much they loved her and how wonderful her life was. We ALL cried. There was a graveside service. My aunt hired a bagpipe player to play Amazing Grace. It was so beautiful. I couldn't help but cry again. As we were leaving the service I realized I would never see her again, I mean I knew that, it just really finally sunk in. Although Mountain View is only 5 hours away its hard to get over there. I would like to go visit. I mean I know shes not there somehow its just comforting. I have pictures and memories but they're not the same as having her here to talk to, to get advice from, to hear stories of her growing up in the depression. I loved to hear stories about her life in Arkansas. Having 13 brothers and sisters makes for interesting stories. Her headstone is beautiful. Just like her.

The ride home was sad. I still feel such a loss. I want so much to turn back the clock and answer the phone. To be there to say goodbye. To be able to tell her how much I love her, how much I appreciated ALL the things she did for me over the years and how much I would miss her. I'm sure she knew all these things. Sometimes I think its a good thing I wasn't there. I didn't have to see her be in pain. The doctors said they thought her aorta burst. But since there was no autopsy we'll never really know. I'm sure it was heart related. I have Michael to see me through. Hes my rock. My shoulder to cry on. I did a lot of that. He understands having lost his own Grandmother. Someone he was very close with as well. After she passed we were left with the task of cleaning out her things from the house. It was harder than I thought it would be. There were so many things I wanted to keep and so many things others thought we should just toss. I was left feeling anger toward others for just discarding her things as if her life meant nothing. Sort of like the house my Grandparents lived in for 50+ years. My grandmother did a reverse mortgage a few years back and when my grandfather dies the house goes back to the bank. I would love to buy the house but right now its not financially possible and there doesn't seem to be anyone in the family whose willing to step up and save it. She would be so sad and disappointed. Anyway enough about that. I miss her everyday. I have pictures around the house and sometimes I find myself picking them up and thinking back to that moment and crying. Sometimes just being at her house makes me want to bawl. There are so many memories there.

They say you never get over the death of your mother. She was like a second mother to me. I cant imagine what how Ill feel when my own mother passes away. Just after she passed Michael Jackson passed away and I found myself picking up the phone to call her and tell her this only to realize I couldn't. Silly I guess. I wish grandma was here to watch the kids grow and see the new baby when it gets here. But I like to think shes watching down on us from Heaven and that someday I will see her face there. In the meantime I have my own mother to watch my children grow. I hope that they have the kind of bond and memories that I had with my own grandmother.

Roberta Agnes McDonald Kemp 1919-2009. One of the most amazing people I have ever known. She was strong, smart, funny, creative, loving and caring. A good cook and an even better seamstress.

 Life will never be the same without her!

Vicki, Me, Grandma, Conor and Jordan, Christmas 2007